Before the Next Crisis Hits
Why proactive parenting beats reactive parenting in addiction
By Donna Marston
Too often, parents only reach out for help when the chaos has already taken over. Bills are piling up, arguments are constant, consequences are mounting and your teen or adult child’s addiction is progressing and feels out of control.
I see it all the time, and I’ve lived it myself when my son was in active addiction. Parents wait until they’re at their breaking point, thinking they can manage it themselves, hoping things will get better. And yes, in the short term, you can “hold it together” through crises, but the patterns that create these crises are usually already in motion.
Here’s the truth: how you help your child matters far more than what you do. When your helping is reactive, fear-driven, or guilt-driven, it keeps everyone stuck in a toxic dance. You may be rescuing, controlling, or overcorrecting without even realizing it.
The problem isn’t your love; it’s the way you’re showing it. When you react from fear or frustration, your child may experience it as criticism, as if nothing they do is right. It can feel like you’re saying you know more about their addiction than they do. Often, that isn’t true—and the real issue is that you haven’t yet examined your why, or how living in crisis mode is shaping your reactions.
This is where most parents get stuck: we become hyper-focused on everything our child is doing “wrong.” We track every misstep, every missed responsibility, every poor choice. But in doing so, we often overlook the small wins—the moments they follow a boundary, show effort, or make a better choice, however minor. Not acknowledging even small progress keeps the relationship tense and keeps both of you stuck in fear and frustration.
Becoming aware of your “why” changes everything. When you understand your triggers and the patterns that keep you in constant crisis, you can respond with clarity instead of reacting with fear. Your love becomes a guiding force, not a source of stress or guilt, for you or your child.
Proactive parenting means noticing your emotional triggers, your fear responses, and the ways you unintentionally enable patterns that lead to more chaos. When your child and their addiction trigger you emotionally, pay attention. Feel it in your gut. This is your body signaling that something needs care. Write it down. Reflect on it. Nurture it. And don’t forget to notice the small things they do right.
When a parent shifts from reactive to proactive:
· Boundaries are enforced with calm and clarity.
· Consequences are consistent without drama or guilt.
· You stop trying to control your child and start controlling your own choices.
· You reduce stress in the home and prevent small issues from escalating.
The work starts with you, not your child. By addressing your patterns of helping before the next crisis hits, you step into a parent role that is grounded, intentional, and effective. You stop reacting to every high-stress moment and start responding from a place of clarity.
This doesn’t mean your child’s struggles disappear. Addiction is complicated, and recovery isn’t a straight line. But when you parent proactively, you give both yourself and your child a chance to break the cycle of chaos.
Your next call, your next conversation, your next choice doesn’t have to happen in the middle of a crisis. You can step in with intention, understanding, and steady guidance today.
Proactive parenting isn’t just smarter, it’s survival. And it’s the only way to truly show up for your child while keeping yourself intact.