Fight or Flight
How Addiction Traps Parents and Their Children in Survival Mode
By: Donna Marston
www.SharingWithOutShame.com
When addiction takes hold of a teen or adult child, both the parent and their addicted child often become stuck in a relentless cycle of fight or flight mode. This survival response is hardwired into our nervous system, it’s meant to protect us from immediate danger. However, in the world of addiction, it becomes a chronic state of existence, one that leaves both family members reacting rather than responding, surviving rather than truly living.
"Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions." – Hafiz (Persian poet)
Parents of addicted children frequently find themselves in an exhausting loop of fear, anxiety, and reactionary behavior. They either go into fight mode, when they are desperately trying to control their child's actions, addictions while searching for solutions, setting rules, and enforcing consequences; or they flee emotionally and mentally, shutting down to protect themselves from the heartbreak. Some parents alternate between the two, swinging from confrontation to withdrawal in an attempt to manage their own pain.
Common fight responses in parents include:
- Constantly checking in on their child, trying to control their whereabouts
- Lecturing, pleading, or threatening consequences
- Enabling, hoping that providing resources will prevent worse outcomes
Flight responses may look like:
- Avoiding confrontation altogether
- Becoming emotionally numb
- Detaching from their child as a form of self-preservation
The child, too, is in survival mode. Addiction hijacks the brain’s ability to make rational decisions, so their behavior mirrors that of their parents, shifting between aggression (fight) and avoidance (flight). When in fight mode, they may lash out, manipulate, or push boundaries to maintain their access to substances. In flight mode, they may disappear, lie, or emotionally shut down, withdrawing from loved ones to escape shame and guilt.
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." – Viktor Frankl (Austrian Holocaust survivor, psychiatrist, philosopher, and author)
Breaking free from the cycle of fight or flight requires awareness and intentional action. It’s important for parents to learn to pause before reacting, giving themselves the space to choose a different response. Similarly, giving their child that same space, without enabling, can be the first step toward healing. Instead of living in fear, families can begin to shift toward a place of balance, where boundaries are clear, self-care is prioritized, and love is given without control.
When both parent(s) and child learn to move out of survival mode, true healing can begin.