Lessons from families impacted by addiction, and life in general
by Donna Marston
“Emotional maturity isn’t just a nice idea, it’s the difference between connection and chaos in our families. How we respond when someone is hurt shows who we are. Look at families today… look at our world… and tell me there isn’t a lot of immaturity going on. Let’s start listening to each other.”
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through my family’s struggle with addiction is that emotional maturity shows up in the hardest moments, especially when someone tells you they’ve been hurt by your actions. It’s taken me years to recognize my own emotional immaturity, and I’m still working on it. I wish I had understood this when I was a young mom. Looking back, I can see how my own reactions affected my family, particularly during my son’s active addiction. It was humbling, painful, and sometimes overwhelming, but it taught me so much. Recognizing my own growth areas has helped me set better boundaries, respond with more patience, and model emotional maturity for my family, even in the toughest moments.
A mature person listens without interrupting or getting defensive, acknowledges your feelings, and reflects on their actions. They understand that taking responsibility doesn’t make them less, it actually builds trust and strengthens connection. Emotional immaturity, on the other hand, shows up as defensiveness, blame, dismissal, or attack. Unresolved emotions can spill out as name-calling, put-downs, or harsh words. Paying attention to these responses gives you clarity, not just about the other person, but about how to protect your own emotional health.
During my son’s active addiction, I saw both types of responses in my family. Sometimes there was listening, compassion, and accountability. Other times, there was blame, defensiveness, and anger. Both experiences taught me that emotional maturity, or the lack of it, doesn’t just affect your relationship with the person struggling. It shows you how functional, or dysfunctional, your entire family system is. And while I often work with families impacted by addiction, this isn’t just about addiction. Look around our country today and tell me there isn’t a lot of emotional immaturity going on.
Example:
Imagine telling a loved one, “When you used despite promising me you wouldn’t, I felt scared, betrayed, and helpless.”
• A mature response might be: “I hear you, and I’m sorry. I know my actions hurt you. Let’s talk about how I can make better choices moving forward.”
• An immature response might be: “You’re overreacting. It’s my life, I can do what I want. Stop making this about you.”
The difference is clear: one builds connection, the other creates distance and pain.
A simple way to respond:
You can’t control someone else’s maturity, but you can control how you respond. If you’re met with immaturity, try saying:
“I don’t feel heard right now, so I’m going to step back. We can talk later when we’re both in a better frame of mind.”
This protects your emotional health, keeps you out of unnecessary arguments, and over time can either invite healthier communication, or show you when stronger boundaries are needed.
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character” - Albert Einstein
Emotional maturity begins with listening, taking responsibility, and connecting honestly. Addiction may blur the lines between love, enabling, and accountability, but paying attention to how we respond helps us build trust, create healthier relationships, and families.
At Sharing With Out Shame, I provide compassionate guidance for families to help them recognize these patterns, shift old behaviors, and rebuild connection. Healing begins with awareness, and awareness begins with how we listen, respond, and take responsibility for the impact we have on one another.