Steering Clear of Conversation Traps with Your Child in Active Addiction
Strategies to support your child without enabling destructive behaviors
By: Donna Marston
Just for today . . . focus on avoiding conversation traps when dealing with the behavioral issues related to your teen or adult child’s active addiction. Emotions often run high, fear can dominate, and communication may quickly escalate into arguments, defensiveness, or guilt trips. While your instinct to protect and support your child is completely natural, it's crucial to steer clear of these traps. Engaging in them can not only harm your relationship but also enable destructive behaviors. Prioritizing healthy communication is essential for fostering understanding and healing.
"Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce - American short story writer, journalist, poet, and American Civil War veteran
Here are key strategies for avoiding these traps and fostering more productive communication.
1. Don’t Show up to Every Fight Your Invited to: I know firsthand how easy it is to get defensive when our children lash out or blame us for their addiction and problems. They often accuse us of not supporting them enough or say things that tug at our heart strings that often ends up feeling like quilt. This is one of the most common traps. Arguing back or defending yourself only escalates the situation. Instead, stay calm and use phrases like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I understand that you’re upset.” This helps diffuse the tension without making you the target.
2. Avoid Giving False Promises: In moments of desperation, it can be tempting to say things like, “If you just get sober, I’ll make everything better,” or “I’ll never abandon you.” While these sentiments stem from love, they create unrealistic expectations. Remember that recovery is a lengthy journey, and no promise or ultimatum will serve as a quick solution. Instead, establish clear boundaries and commit to them, avoiding statements you may not be able to uphold. In other words, don’t shift the finish line.
3. Avoid Blaming, Shaming, or Guilt-Tripping Your Child: It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming your child for their addiction or shaming them for their choices. Statements like, “You’re ruining your life and ours,” only serve to create distance and defensiveness. Instead, focus on expressing your concern for their well-being. Share how their actions impact you and the family without resorting to blame. This approach fosters a more supportive environment, encouraging open dialogue and helping your child feel understood rather than attacked.
"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough." Brené Brown - professor, author
4. Focus on the Behavior, Not the Person: One effective way to avoid conversations turning into personal attacks is by addressing specific behaviors rather than criticizing your child as a person. Instead of saying, “You’re ruining everything,” focus on the actions: “I’m concerned because I’ve noticed you’ve been missing work.” This helps keep the conversation centered on accountability without shaming or blaming.
5. Skip the Lectures and Practice Active Listening: Instead of lecturing your child about their behavior, and the consequences of it, focus on listening actively to what they have to say. Lectures can come off as judgmental and often lead to resistance. By giving your child space to express their thoughts and feelings, you create an atmosphere of trust and understanding. Ask open-ended questions and show genuine interest in their perspective. This not only helps them feel heard but also encourages a more constructive conversation where both of you can engage meaningfully.
By navigating these conversation traps with patience, boundaries, and mindfulness, you can better support your child while protecting your own emotional health. For more insights and guidance on living one day at a time during challenging moments, consider reading my book, Just For Today. It offers practical strategies and heartfelt reflections to help you find peace and resilience amidst the difficulties of addiction.
May Your Faith and Strength, Heal Your Heart!