How letting go of control turns survival into strength
by: Donna Marston
“Some parents live in a storm they didn’t create, running tirelessly in a hamster wheel of their teen or adult child’s chaos, thinking it’s love. They stretch themselves thin, forgetting their own needs, spinning endlessly to keep the wind from touching anyone else.”
Addiction doesn’t just affect the person using substances, it touches everyone who loves them. But here’s a truth few talk about losing yourself in your loved one’s addiction can be a doorway to discovering a stronger, more authentic version of yourself.
We often think we’re acting out of love. We do things in the name of love because it makes us feel better. But the truth is: what pushes us to over-manage or over-help is rarely love, it’s fear disguised as concern.
It may feel safe to try to control your child’s choices, their recovery, or their life, but more often than not, it backfires, because it allows our kids to stay comfortable in their addiction while we’re holding our breath, walking on eggshells. When we stop trying to control, we step into clarity, reclaim our power, and stop being caught in someone else’s chaos.
This isn’t giving up on love, it’s loving differently. Loving without being chained to outcomes. We can support our loved ones in their recovery, but we should never do for them what they could and should do for themselves. Sometimes, the greatest act of love is letting go of control and letting them navigate their own journey while we navigate ours.
It means choosing boundaries over guilt, clarity over chaos, and presence over constant intervention. It means focusing on the life we can shape, our own. Healing yourself quietly changes the family more than any intervention ever could.
Some days it’s just one breath at a time. Some days saying “no” or stepping back feels hard, but it’s not rejection, it’s self-care. Praying helps. It brings peace, guidance, and strength when fear feels overwhelming. When we nurture ourselves, we inspire change without even trying. Our power becomes contagious because we live it.
Addiction will test you, but it also reveals strength you didn’t know you had. The journey from victim to empowered parent isn’t easy. But within the struggle lies a rare gift: the chance to rediscover who we are when we are no longer running in a hamster wheel of our loved one’s chaos.
When we embrace this opportunity, we stop surviving in our loved one’s choices and start thriving in our own life, stronger and wiser.