Love, Hate, and Disconnection
When parents deal with the strong emotions that come from their child’s addiction, it can feel like they’re trapped in a tornado that’s destroying everything in its path. They feel stuck between love and anger, trying to figure out if they’re upset because they love their child or because they have an awful feeling that they hate their child. This struggle makes it hard for parents to connect with their child, and even harder for the child, who is lost between who they really are and who they’ve become in their active addiction.
Watching a child sink deeper into addiction is extremely painful for parents. They feel like they’re losing the child they know and love, while having to face the tough reality of their child’s active addiction. The lying, stealing, and hurtful actions create a cycle of mistrust and anger. Parents might ask themselves, ‘How do I love my child who lies and steals from me?’ This question weighs heavily on their hearts, but they often find peace by reminding themselves that their anger is not at their child, but at the addiction. It’s important for them to understand that while addiction changes how their child acts, it doesn’t take away the love they have for them. Learning to separate their child from the addiction is an important coping skill in dealing with these tough emotions.
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, dawn will come." Anne Lamott - American novelist and nonfiction writer, known for her autobiographical works on topics such as alcoholism and depression.
Parents hold on to the hope that their love can help guide their child toward recovery. But the hard truth is that parents can't make their child get better just by loving them. Recovery is something their child has to choose and work on themselves. While love can create a safe and caring place, it's up to the child to seek help and make changes.
Knowing this can make parents feel both relieved and sad. It helps them realize they don’t have to fix everything and can focus on taking care of themselves, while still hoping for their child’s future. Parents also need to know that their child feels disconnected too. Addiction creates a wall between who the child is now and who they used to be. Kids dealing with addiction often lie to their parents and to themselves, making it hard to see how bad things really are. This cycle of lying causes shame and guilt, pushing them further away from their families.
In all these emotions, it's important for parents to understand that love has its limits. Love is important but knowing they can’t control their child’s recovery helps create a healthier relationship. This also allows parents to be kinder, both to their child and to themselves.
By thinking this way, parents can create a home where everyone talks openly and respects each other. Instead of always arguing and trying to fix things for their child, they can take care of their own feelings and set boundaries to protect themselves while still being supportive. This can help their child decide to get help one day, especially when parents understand that their love might help things get better.
It’s well known that when someone is struggling with addiction, being honest isn’t always easy. Addiction makes people lie, which makes it hard for family members to trust them. Parents start to doubt everything their child says, which causes a lot of anger, sadness, and confusion. To keep from getting hurt, parents sometimes have to take a step back and focus on their own feelings, even if it feels hard or mean. Setting healthy boundaries to protect themselves is important, even when it’s tough. Rebuilding the family during these times takes open and honest conversations. Sharing Without Shame helps families talk honestly in a safe place, where understanding can grow, and everyone can start to heal.
"Connection is why we're here; it gives purpose and meaning to our lives." Brené Brown - professor, author, and podcaster who studies courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.
Healing and reconnecting are achievable through compassion, love, and understanding. By confronting these challenges together, families can restore their relationships, their health, and their sanity to rediscover the love that persists even ride out the storm of addiction.
May Your Faith and Strength Heal Your Heart!