When Distance Protects Recovery
Understanding Adult Children in Addiction
By Donna Marston
As a parent, it can feel devastating when your adult child pulls away. “They won’t talk to me,” “I can’t see my grandchildren,” or “They’ve cut me off,” these are phrases I hear frequently from parents navigating the complex realities of addiction. Yet there’s a truth that few people discuss: sometimes, your adult child is stepping back to protect their recovery, not to punish you.
When an adult child enters recovery, their focus shifts to safety, stability, and boundaries. Recovery requires an environment free from chaos, judgment, and patterns that could trigger relapse. If parents, or other family members, bring behaviors, words, or emotional patterns that are toxic to this process, the adult child may find that distance is the only way to maintain their well-being and continue their journey toward sobriety.
This distance is painful for parents, but it’s also an invitation for reflection.
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” – Carl Jung
Parents are asked to look inward, to examine their own behaviors, patterns, and unresolved wounds that may unintentionally undermine their adult child’s recovery. Truth be told, I had to do this myself. It took me almost ten years to realize that my behavior, my fears, and my codependency were toxic to my son’s recovery. I was hyper-focused on everything I thought he did wrong, on the money he owed, on his past behaviors, without understanding what I truly needed to know.
A friend once said to me, “Why don’t you mind your own business, let your son work on his recovery his way, and you work on your own healing; your broken heart, letting go of the past to create a new future.” That’s when I metaphorically put on my roller skates and began my own healing journey. I let go, trusted a process I didn’t fully understand but wanted to follow, and committed to doing the same inner work my son was doing.
When I embraced that journey, I regained my sanity, rebuilt my relationship with him, and restored my health, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It was not easy, but it was transformative.
The challenge is not just to lament the loss of connection but to ask: How can I change so that I no longer contribute to harm and instead support their recovery? Healing and accountability on the parent’s side create the conditions where reconciliation and trust can eventually grow.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou
Recovery is a journey for the whole family, and it begins with honesty, accountability, and the courage to change. Distance, in this context, is not abandonment, it is protection, a boundary that ensures your adult child can reclaim their peace, sobriety, and emotional health.
At Sharing Without Shame, we guide parents through this process, helping them reflect, transform, and create healthier relationships with their adult children. Healing is possible on both sides, but it requires courage, awareness, and a willingness to do better.