Sobriety can’t survive in a home that won’t change
By Donna Marston
When we talk about recovery, most of the focus is on the person coming out of active addiction. We imagine the courage it takes to stay sober, the hard work of rebuilding, and the uphill climb toward healing. What we rarely talk about, what no one seems willing to admit, is that sometimes, it’s the family who struggles with recovery the most.
Recovery doesn’t just change the person who was using. It changes the entire family system. And not everyone is ready, willing, or even interested in making those changes.
The Parents Who Still Use
One scenario that rarely makes it into conversation is parents or partners who are recreational users themselves, drinking wine nightly, smoking pot on weekends, or living a lifestyle where substances are normalized. Then their child comes home from jail, detox, or treatment, and suddenly they can’t be around substances. Recovery requires a safe environment, but the family may refuse to adjust.
I’ll never forget speaking at the women’s section of a jail in New Hampshire. A young woman told me she was being released with nowhere to go but home. Her parents refused to give up smoking pot. She would go back to jail if she was caught around it. Her parent’s solution was. . . “We won’t smoke around you, that’s all we’re willing to do.”
Think about that for a moment. The very people who should be supporting her recovery were unwilling to change their habits. The home wasn’t safe, and her freedom and chance at recovery hung in the balance. That story has stayed with me because it shows how real and painful this resistance can be.
When Alcohol and Medications Are Still in the House
It’s not just pot or recreational substances, alcohol and prescription medications can create the same risk. Sometimes families refuse to remove alcohol from the fridge or liquor cabinet, saying it’s “too much to ask” or that taking it away would be controlling. Others leave prescription medications, painkillers, sedatives, or other potentially addictive drugs, in plain sight, thinking “It’s my medicine, they don’t need to worry about it.”
Recovery requires more than intention, it requires an environment where relapse isn’t made easy. Every bottle, every pill, every joint becomes a test. And if the family refuses to make these changes, they are setting their loved one up for failure, even if they don’t mean to. Sobriety can’t survive in a home full of temptation.
When Sobriety Disrupts the Family Dynamic
Recovery also changes the unspoken rules of the household. Boundaries get tested, old roles collapse, and the family has to relearn how to live without constant chaos. For some, the addiction created a rhythm they unconsciously adapted to, crisis, rescue, repeat. When that cycle ends, the silence feels strange, even uncomfortable.
Sometimes the family resists this shift because it forces them to look at their own behaviors. Maybe they enabled, maybe they controlled, maybe they used substances or medications as a way of coping too. Recovery demands accountability from everyone, not just the person with the addiction.
The Resentments No One Talks About
Resentment is another layer families don’t like to admit: We’ve sacrificed so much already, and now we have to change too? This resentment isn’t pretty, but it’s real, and until it’s acknowledged, it quietly undermines the recovery process.
Recovery Is a Family Affair
Here’s what I’ve learned: real recovery doesn’t happen in isolation. If one person in the family is working hard to heal, but the rest of the household clings to old patterns, the chance of lasting recovery drops. The family has to recover too. That might mean giving up substances, locking up or removing medications, going to support groups, working with a coach, or simply telling the truth about the changes they don’t want to make.
Sobriety asks something of everyone. And that’s the part no one talks about.
If you’re a parent or family member reading this, ask yourself: Am I willing to change too? Because your willingness may be the very thing that helps your loved one stay alive.